I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words:
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Why I Mow My Own Lawn – Lee Trevino: a true story
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?”
Lee responded, “Yes Ma’am, I do.”
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee said, “Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her.”
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside the Oxenford Tavern a neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Trevor Collings) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then he flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man’s intoxication.
The Police officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station – this breathalyser equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy”.
Trevor at the Oxenford Tavern, Australia
Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, “What is a bastard?”
And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.
For example, in the photo below, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.
The guy behind him, well, he’s a bastard.
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.
They both should be changed regularly . . . . . and for the same reason!
Suppose that once a week, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this…..
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18
And the tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that’s what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every week and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until, one day, the owner caused them a little problem. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your weekly beer by $20.” Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free but what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33 but if they subtracted that from everybody’s share then not only would the first four men still be drinking for free but the fifth and sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fairer to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage. They decided to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
And so, the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (a 100% saving).
The sixth man now paid $2 instead of $3 (a 33% saving).
The seventh man now paid $5 instead of $7 (a 28% saving).
The eighth man now paid $9 instead of $12 (a 25% saving).
The ninth man now paid $14 instead of $18 (a 22% saving).
And the tenth man now paid $49 instead of $59 (a 16% saving).
Each of the last six was better off than before with the first four continuing to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. “I only got $1 out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10”
“Yes, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved $1 too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me”
“That’s true” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I only got $2? The wealthy get all the breaks”
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “We didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor”
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next week the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important – they didn’t have enough money between all of them to pay for even half of the bill.
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and they just might not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
Remember, the second mouse gets the cheese!
The young bull rushes into the herd and gets a cow.
The old bull casually wonders into the herd and gets the lot!
When everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
Some days you’re the pigeon,
and some days you’re the statue!
I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying.
He said, “If the current government is in office much longer, tinned food, a generator, water and ammunition are your best bets.”
If you can’t provide a solution, there’s good money to be made prolonging the problem.